"...and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Gosh, Diary! The last time I wrote was a while ago! I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I love that I can boldly claim anything from the bible as truth. Even when I doubt, and I do, God's word always prevails, no matter what I do, where I go, what I say, God's word is always truthful. And with all these communication problems with my hubby have risen, he has done his best to love me like Christ loves the church, and sometimes, more often than not, I walk all over that. Through this bought of depression that I've been in, I've become extremely selfish in our relationship, and I'm not thinking about where he was coming from. Sometimes, I can create drama in my head between us when he sees that nothing is wrong! I guess that's why God made man the head of the household and leaders in our world; men's brains are calmer biologically than women's brains. (Please don't get mad at that. Its been scientifically proven that men don't have as good of connection between the right and left hemispheres of the brain as women do, and that's why we can multitask better than men, but that's why men have calmer brains then women.) I wrestled with God, with my faith, and although I feel weak from the fight, God gave me the desire of my heart, which was to communicate better with Andy. God knew what he was doing when he allowed us to get a smaller apartment, because now we have to communicate not only about paint, but what we're getting rid of, and we're both having to see our sacrifices for each other. For the past couple of days, we have had to be in close proximity, painting our living room in our new place, and when I do something I don't like to do, I tend to talk while I do it, which has allowed him to see that I'm crazy as a loon, but at least now he knows where I'm coming from, and we're starting to repair the hole that I've created.

During the engagement process, people like to give you advice. Let me tell you about some of the advice that DOESN'T work.
#1) Pick your battles. Um, no. If you pick your battles, he doesn't know why you're so upset with him, and you're pushing all those feelings away and not being truthful. Plus, you're not communicating, which is so important in a marriage. However, don't yell at him about stuff you haven't warned him about. Ex: Normally when my hubby makes coffee, he leaves rings on our white counter tops, to which I have to scrub out with bleach, breaking my fingernails, and making me mad. I blew up at him before warning him, to which he responded "Don't you know I'm leaving them there for a reason?".... However, when I was calmer, I explained to him how hard it is to scrub the counter tops, and that I would appreciate it if he would be more mindful of his surroundings and BAM! I haven't had to scrub my counter tops in a week!
#2) Don't say everything you're thinking. While there is some truth to that, you're still not communicating, and its still bad. Talk to him about the stuff you're thinking when you're not upset. Guys aren't mind readers, and whatever you're thinking about will gnaw at you until you say something.

However, while I've been focusing on my communication with my hubby, my communication with God has gone down hill. And most of the people I talked to about our situation asked me "How's your walk with God?" I've got to admit, its not the best, which is probably why all this drama is rearing its ugly head. My life is tumultuous when God isn't first. And going back to the verse at the beginning of the entry, my desire has changed from communication with my hubby to communication with God. And I know that once my walk with God is at its best, my marriage will be at its best.