So, even though I've deleted my other blog, Sweet Southern Smile, for some of its depressing content, it very much has a play in this blog. Let me give you the back story.
*April 2009- Momma diagnosed with breast cancer and starts chemotherapy.
*November 27,2009- Moved to Bonita Springs from Murfreesboro, TN to start work at Specialists in Urology and be with my boyfriend, Andy.
*January 2010- Momma done with IV chemotherapy, but is doing pill chemotherapy while taking care of Ging-gi Martha (who in the following months will break her hip, and be diagnosed pre-dementia)
*Feburary 13, 2010-Andy proposed to me
*May 10, 2010- Started Clinical Laboratory Science program at Florida Gulf Coast University (8 hour internships at DSI/ NCH Labs, and tried to figure out how to be full time at SIU. Ended up creating a night shift to work, which didn't work)
*July 16, 2010- Fired from job at Specialists in Urology because of Clinical Lab Science program and change of management
*June 2010-April 2011- Planning wedding (bridal showers, bachelorette party, engagement pictures all done in TN) doing night shift (11-6) internship at DSI, taking online classes for the program, in which projects are due during the day.
*April 29, 2011- Passed CLS program
* May 1, 2011-Schedules ASCP examination for August 1, gains temporary license and starts looking for med tech jobs. God blesses me with many job offers.
*May 14, 2011- Marries Andy
*July 2011- Gains job offer at NCH (the hospital she's been dying to work at), which job will start after passes ASCP; Cousin goes through really depressing time in his life, and calls upon me for support, which I'm happy to give him.
*July 26, 2011- Ging-gi Martha passes; Erin and Andy travel to Kingsport, TN for the funeral that weekend.
*August 1, 2011- Erin fails ASCP examination, and life starts sucking badly! Loses perfect job, and really is shaken spiritually and emotionally to the core. Reapplies for the ASCP, Nov. 7th, and tries to recover from the fall, but just can't.
Since living in Florida, life has certainly not been easy. Its like the entire time I've been down here, I've been in a constant state of transition, and I don't do good with change. My attitude tends to get very bitter and selfish. Especially when I failed the ASCP examination, I felt like God had ripped out of my hands what was rightfully mine! I had worked hard to get through school, to be the perfect bride, the perfect friend to my mother and other friends, to be the perfect med.tech employee. How could He do this to me?! What was the lesson?
I remember around June 2011, just before my cousin needed my help, I had a feeling, a desire, that I needed to read Job. Well, I tread through it, over and over again, and the story goes like this:
God allows Satan to test Job spiritually by afflicting his health, his family, his possessions, and even his friends. God was trying to show Satan that even if you took all the blessings away from Job, Job would still praise God. Satan, of course, wanted to prove God differently, was given the opportunity to do so (when will Satan learn? He can read, right? Doesn't he know his future? Why does he even try?!). Job miraculously survives the horribleness that is only capable of Satan, and has 4 friends come to his aid. The following chapters are Job asking why, what happened, what did Job do to deserve this, and his friends trying to lead him in the right direction, in which 3 friends do a horrible job. The 4th friend, who isn't mentioned until later in the book, has the spiritual perspective that Job needed to see, and God starts to rebuke Job for questioning and being angry in his circumstances. But, after all that happened, God blessed Job immensely, and Job lives out the rest of his days within the full blessings of God.
...WHAT IS THE LESSON IN THAT?! Frankly, I got mad reading it! Job had proven himself loyal to God, before the disasters, and all because Satan taunts Gods, Job has to walk through all this mess, only to prove himself loyal to God! The entire time, the bible says "Job did not sin". But I certainly did when reading it! I was mad at God for allowing that to happen, for allowing Satan to do crappy things to His people, and the only verse I could think of while reading this was "God works the good of those who love Him.", and in the end, yes that happens. How and why did God allow Job to go through all that, only to get mad at Job for asking "Why"?
Well, I think the overwhelming desire to read Job, and not being able to see the pearl of wisdom in it, was God was trying to tell me I was getting ready to step on shaky ground. And He was right. For several months, I was bitter, and angry, feeling like a complete failure, and not being able to be the perfect Erin that was needed by my husband, my family, and friends. I tried praying about it, but it just made me angry. I tried blaming God, but it wasn't his fault that I could have studied more. I made my bed, and God let me lay in it. I was constantly embarrassed by anyone asking me how my test went, I was embarrassed that I couldn't have a job in my field after working so hard. I was embarrassed to confront my family, both Andy's and mine, about what had happened, especially because I knew that when my father learned of this, he would automatically assume it was his fault. I was discouraged, disheartened, and even while I'm writing this, I'm crying from all the feelings of inadequacy I felt, and still feel to this day! Failing the ASCP rocked my faith, my marriage, and my strength to the core. What could I do but sit there and cry, screaming at God "WHERE IS THE GOOD IN THIS?! IF ONLY I COULD SEE THE GLORY YOU'RE RECEIVING THROUGH THIS!" I don't mind walking through this, I really don't! I just wanted to be able to see where and why God had me walk through this.
2 months later, I'm starting to be okay in my skin, because my friends didn't judge me, my family tried to comfort me, and both tried to pick me up and help me walk. I'm still kind of numb, but I'm trying to talk to God again, and I know He forgives my sin during this time, but as soon as the storm came, I was blown away, and that was the issue. I wasn't strong enough to withstand the storm because I allowed this valley to shake my faith.
I went to church with some friends this past Sunday at New Level Church, which is not the normal church Andy and I go to, but it was a nice change. As soon as the pastor starts his message, "Embracing Your Season" Joshua 1:1-11, he starts talking about transition periods in our lives and what should we do with them. The message was about Joshua; about how he was the son of Nun, then became Moses' assistant, and after Moses's death, becomes Israel's leader into the promise land.
1) There are seasons to our life. Just look at Joshua! The bible specifically mentions his seasons; being a son, then an assistant, then dealing with his leader's death, then filling his shoes.
2) Each season is for a purpose. And there tends to be 3 seasons involved with leadership: Divine foundation, Development, and Action. God lays your foundation (Joshua was the son of Nun). God then begins to develop you into the child He wants you to be. (God allowed Joshua to be Moses' assistant.) God is in you, and working through those around you do develop you. God then allows you to act (Joshua becomes the leader of Israel.) God is working through us because God is in you.
3)Transition is usually prompted by a major event. (In Joshua's case, it was Moses' death.) The aftermath of that major event tends to cause confusion, and doubt.
4) Periods of transition can be unnerving. HOWEVER, God doesn't stop directing you through that period! When Moses' death occurred, God told Joshua what He wanted Joshua to do, and then encouraged him to "Be strong and courageous!"
Now, let's look at Joshua and see how he handled this period of transition.
A) He stayed in the book, just as God directed him to do! "...Carefully observe the whole instruction My servant Moses commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right or the left, so that you will have success wherever you go. This book of instruction must not depart from your mouth; you are to recite it day and night so that you may carefully observe everything written in it." (1:7b-8)
B) He surrounded himself with wisdom. He didn't take this role on by himself. Joshua had counselors from Moses!
C) He stepped into his role CONFIDENTLY! Joshua immediately begins to command the people of Israel to march on! "Haven't I instructed you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
After the message, I felt completely rejuvenated, and grateful to hear the message. I started praying, and I heard a whisper say "This transition period was for you to learn to be married." PRAISE THE LORD, I FINALLY HEARD HIM! Had I passed and gotten that job, it would have been night shift, so I wouldn't have been able to see Andy very much, and get to know him as my husband! Marriage is such a huge transition, as you are shedding the clothes of being single to enter into a union which makes you 1, our marriage wouldn't have survived with that night shift job right away. I needed to learn to lean on Andy, to use his strength when mine was weak, and he needed to learn how to encourage and support me when things didn't go our way.
Thank you, God, for allowing me to hear you, and thank you that you never left my side, no matter how ugly I was. Thank you for a strong, loving husband, and thank you for your lessons! I pray that whomever reads this would find comfort, and Your amazing love, during their turbulent time. Help us all to "Be strong and courageous." You are amazing!
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